How to Release Self-Victimization and the Victim Mentality
Releasing self-victimization and the victim mentality is not an easy task. It is quite difficult and a large undertaking. It is something you have lived with for many years. Even your ego has adopted its ways and perpetuated the cycle on a daily basis. It is living rent free in your head and constantly allows for you to flip the script by changing your perspective on situations instead of seeing them as they are. You could have dated or been raised by a narcissist or experienced real trauma at some point in your life. You could have been bullied in school, beaten by your family members, treated as if you were nonexistent or always saw that nothing went your way. Your mom or dad could have had the victim mentality, or you could have watched them go through a terrible divorce. Whatever is the root of it, is something very real and upsetting, traumatizing or negative that caused you to feel as though something is always wrong and someone is always against you. It may be so deep rooted that you may not even know it exists within you. The way to heal it is to acknowledge it.
The victim mentality is not a mental illness or a disorder, it is a learned behavior. Some of the typical symptoms of this would be, the inability to take responsibility for your actions. You are always blaming others for what has happened or what they have done to you. It is extremely difficult to see what role you could have played in the situation that causes you discomfort. If you are always upset and complaining but can’t seem to find a solution to the problem or take others advice when it comes to finding a solution, you are stuck in this mindset. Do you always feel powerless? Do you feel as though no matter how hard you try, you don’t have the power, money, authority, skill, charisma to get yourself out of the situation? It seems as though no one will help you and you don’t know what to do. This is yet another sign of that pure victimization programming that happened long ago. You could also, tend to feel bouts of depression, be down about relationship issues, have a hard time establishing meaningful and lasting relationships, self-sabotage or speak to yourself in an extremely negative manner. You have none or very low self-confidence and you tend to be quick to move into feelings of anger, resentment or frustration. You see the world as the sky is falling rather than the shy is blue and there are beautiful shapes in the clouds. You feel like there is no point in trying to fix anything and want to give up constantly, because it is always your fault, or you can’t do anything right, or it just wont work. The victim makes excuses and constantly says “it’s not my fault.” You may take some responsibility, but it is difficult to look at the bigger picture and take all of the responsibility that belongs to you.
A lot of this stems from betrayal, but this is directly linked with codependency and manipulation. There are so many out there who are genuinely good people that do not understand that this is a narcissistic quality and comes from being raised or surrounded by narcissists as well as dealing with other trauma. These are not qualities of a narcissistic person, but narcissistic tendencies that are learned behaviors. There is a major difference there. I know some who are reading this may be triggered. I am not calling you a narcissist, but there are narcissistic tendencies in all of us. Myself included. If you try to manipulate a situation to have an outcome that is favorable to you, or don’t want to take responsibility or be made to look bad in the eyes of someone else even if your behavior could make you look that way, if you try to minimize your role in something or blame someone else, or ever say its’s not my fault, or try to gain sympathy from others then you’ve been there at some point. It is ok and it is fairly normal.
We live in a society that likes to place blame on others. People are so afraid of being “cancelled” that they won’t take full responsibility for their actions and learn to do better. The society that we live in has cultivated and bred resentment and victims for thousands of years. It is a conquering and colonizing society that breeds takers, judgement, hate, patriarchy and individual success rather than community equality, balance and love. So many people today are saying…my ancestors never owned slaves and I shouldn’t be judged for what my ancestors did, or why are you taking that personally I didn’t mean it that way, or you’re too sensitive. People can’t take responsibility for their privilege, their actions or their own response to things. I know that I just opened a whole can of worms by talking about white privilege but that is a whole other post to dive into what society has done to the BIPOC community. But it does tie into the fact that this society that is awakening is learning to take responsibility for the past, for their ancestors and are clearing major cycles to breathe new life into the future.
The more you dive within and take responsibility, the more you set the victim mentality aside. Charles Sykes, author of A Nation of Victims, states “if you add up all the groups that consider themselves to be victims or oppressed, their number adds up to almost 400 percent of the population.” That is an enormous number, that is 4x the population. That means that every single person four times over thinks that they are a victim or oppressed. There is so much we can do to shift and change this, but it starts by doing the internal work. The internal work shifts society and by shifting society it shifts for mankind and future generations. It is not about us working together, it is by working on yourself that helps you realize that you can work together. But to be fair there are so many marginalized voices that have been poach from and appropriated from that it is time to listen to your intuition and what they have to say to make life so much better. Do not be a sheep, be a lion who is regal and royal and looks out for his or her den. If you are reading this, it just means your den is so much larger than the average lion. You are here to shift society and the population and collective as a whole. In the words of Steve Maraboli “The victim mentality will have you dancing with the devil, then complaining you’re in hell.” You may not like your circumstances, but it is how you change those circumstances. Someone who is very dear to me would complain all the time about someone in our life. There was a constant uproar about the other person’s behavior. I would give advice and it would never be taken. There was always an excuse. There were so many solutions that this person could see and that I would offer up. At one point I realized that this person was feeding into the mentality and almost addicted to that feeling. There was nothing I could do to get them out of it. They had to want to remove this energy, feeling and behavior. Some people complain simply because the victim mindset is all they know. Some are trying to figure out the next course of action and some don’t even realize they’re doing it. You have to want to release the mindset and mentality to make positive changes in your life.
How do you actually release that victim mentality? It starts by taking a hard look at your behavior. What are you not taking responsibility for? Start taking internal accountability for how you talk to and how you treat yourself, then shift that to an external frame. How are you talking to and treating others? The more you acknowledge your behavior, the more you already begin to shift the mindset. Set boundaries with yourself and with others. When you feel yourself jumping to anger, frustration or resentment, allow yourself to stop and ask yourself where the root of these feelings are coming from. Look for solutions to your problems instead of dwelling on the problem itself. Instead, ask yourself how can I fix this? Look at the root of the problem and see if it is a pattern that is repeating throughout other aspects of your life. Is it a you problem or a them problem? More often than not it is a you problem. More so in how you look at it, how it can be resolved, but more importantly it is how you respond or react to it. Ask yourself If you are being a moral elitist. Are your values and thoughts more important than others? Do you need validation for your victimhood or are you looking within for the answers? So many times, we see people telling the same story over and over again. If you tell it two or three times, you are trying to rationalize and make sense of it, if you are telling it four or more times, you are seeking recognition or validation of your victimhood. It is ok to ask for help, but you have to be open to the solution. You also have to be open to the fact that you might be a part of the problem. Do you have empathy for yourself and for others or are your beliefs so limiting that there is no room for you to shift the narrative? The narrative generally starts in childhood, but there can be cycles that are repeating through your lives.
Diving into your subconscious is the best way to help with this process. Journaling and talking to a mentor, coach or therapist can also be wildly beneficial. The more you can show gratitude and appreciation for what you already have, the bigger the shift can be as well. Start your day with a gratitude list. The more you can shift your thinking to positive thoughts the more you shift your perspective and narrative. It is not going to happen overnight. You will find yourself in a negative space and then try to shift, then you will catch yourself mid thought and shift afterward. You will then feel the negativity midway and shift in that moment. Soon, you will feel the negativity and shift before it happens, then you will find yourself in a positive mindset. You won’t always be positive, but you will be able to find your way back into the light easier than ever before.
The less you label yourself as a victim and begin to find solutions, the more that you can be in a space of gratitude and connected to the highest version of yourself. Validate yourself and your experiences, but do not let them define you. Make sure that your self-talk is beautiful and positive. When you find yourself slipping into depression or feeling down over relationship issues find something that makes you happy. What is your happy place? You need to forgive yourself and forgive others. The more you hold onto past trauma, the more you hold resentment and keep yourself stuck in the victim mindset as well as the past. Meditation, hypnosis and mantras allow you to step into your subconscious and connect to your breath which keep you in the present moment. When you stay in the present moment you realize that nothing is wrong. The more present you are the less your egoic mind can wander and hurt your feelings or give you depression or anxiety. When you feel a problem arising, allow yourself to look for a solution rather than staying stuck in the negative space.
None of this is easy. It is all extremely difficult, but the more you want to heal and the more you allow yourself the ability to be open to the process, the more you flow and find your narrative changing. You learned this mindset and behavior and you can unlearn it as well. It is something you have probably spent more than a full decade living in, so it will take an adjustment period. But small steps lead to giant leaps of progress. You do not have to stay stuck unless you want to. The more you realize that this mentality is directly linked with depression, codependency, anxiety, fear, childhood trauma, the more you realize that all of the work you have been doing on yourself is digging up everything that no longer serves you. All of these layers of trauma are all interconnected and the more you shift, the more you uproot until there is nothing left but maintenance. Then you maintain and implement all you have learned and integrated. You are transforming at quantum speeds and are shifting your timelines to be the best version of yourself and the most healed your soul has ever been. I am proud of you and always here for you. I see you. I respect you. I honor you and I am grateful for you. I know this is not easy, but you are not chicken little, and the sky is not falling. You can do this! You have so much going for you, you just have to open yourself up to the possibilities and the solutions will magically present themselves to you. The more you let go, the more you flow. Flow into the vast beauty that is your limitless life.
-Lady Phoenix