Closing the Door to Codependency and Opening the Door to Love
When one door closes another one opens or so the saying goes. Maybe all of the doors are already open, you just have blinders on. You are so used to everything being closed to you and so much false reality that you don’t realize that you can walk through any door at any time. Anything that you need in life is available to you whenever you need it, you just have to ask, believe and be ready to receive it. You must do the work to be open to your blessings. Sometimes you need to clear your distortions and trauma to allow yourself to see the opportunities or doors at the right time. No matter when you see the door, you have to remember that all doors open with love. Love is the universal key to open anything in life. Love unlocks all aspects of life. Sometimes you need to go through a specific situation to realize that your next door or opportunity is waiting for you. You may have closed yourself off from something and need to find the lesson or reestablish some aspect of love to move through the blockage to the open door. You may think that certain door or opportunities are closed to you but, the doors are never closed, they might simply be hidden or blocked by your thoughts. You close your vision to the blessings. You close your heart to these amazing moments and when you find your blockage and walk through the lesson, the door swings wide open. You have everything you need within you; it is your mind and your lack mentality that makes you think that something isn’t right for you or that you don’t deserve it.
Why is it you feel undeserving? Why do you feel as though something won’t come to you? What keeps you stuck in a negative mindset? What put you there in the first place? All of these questions come from lack mentality which stems from childhood and/or past life trauma and distortions. The more that you look at anything negative or “blocked” in your life, the root of it will be in lack mentality. That lack mentality comes from being domesticated instead of being the free, wild spirit you were born to be. You were meant to let go of your inhibitions, to let your hair down, to be unencumbered, to do what your soul craves! When you are told to be quiet or stop doing this or that is not appropriate, or little girls do or don’t do this, or be a man and act like it, your soul dies little by little. Your soul is meant to roam free like the buffalo or any wild animal. Your soul is a species of its own and that allows you to be an individual and truly authentic. “The soul of love is the most endangered species…the soul has no gender” – Clarissa Pinkola Estes. The soul and love are one and the same. To get back to your core and to find yourself in a space of freedom you have to come from love. To truly get to a state of love, you have to heal your childhood trauma and let your soul run free. You have to forgive yourself and forgive those who entangled you, changed you and domesticated you. When you can forgive, truly forgive and let go, you release what no longer serves you and you open your mind to that blocked door, opportunity and feeling.
How do you get to a space of forgiveness? It takes you diving within your soul to be able to acknowledge the root of the issue holding you back. Let’s use codependency for example. This is one issue so many of my clients are dealing with and it is extremely difficult to break or overcome. What does codependency look like? It is the inability to make decisions in a relationship because you don’t want to upset the other person, Difficulty identifying your feelings, because your feelings tend to not matter and only your partner’s feelings are important to you, there is no sense of self, you have a hard time communicating and tend to sweep things under the rug, because you want to always be around them and not have there be any conflict. You cannot set boundaries and don’t make time for yourself or self-care. You tend to be manipulative or easily manipulated. You value your partner’s approval more than your own, you generally have low self-esteem. You are dependent in one or many ways on your partner and you take responsibility for your partner’s actions. You need someone to need you, you need to be in constant communication or have a lack of trust in your partner. You evade feeling anything too intensely and avoid diving into what the real problems are. You tend to bully yourself emotionally and there is so much fear involved in a relationship like this.
This behavior stems from you not getting what you needed as a child. Maybe you were first born and received all of the attention and then your sibling was born and needed significantly more attention than you did. You had to become self sufficient and fight for attention. You realized you weren’t worthy of your parent’s attention. Maybe your parents were overprotective, and you didn’t understand how to be independent. Maybe you were raised by a narcissist that needed to make everything about them and you lost all sense of self. You could have worked with or been best friends with a narcissist or even dated one who changed your relationship mapping. This can create a relationship addict within you or simply an addiction to the person you are dating. This is the fear of being alone, the fear of being yourself, the fear of so much in life. This all stems from your independence and self-worth. Codependency itself is not a mental disorder or illness, but those who are codependent tend to be empaths who attract those with these illnesses or disorders.
Codependent relationships are not doomed to fail, but they take a lot of work to sustain the lifetime you may desire it to have. It takes work, inner insight and balance. You have to see what your denials are, what causes you anxiety, what are your compulsions, what are your emotions that you are avoiding and how do you abuse yourself or others. Both parties need to be aware of these in order to get to a healthy place to fix the relationship. For the individual who wants to fix or heal these issues, introspection is imperative. You have to be willing to dive into the deepest fears and into the tiniest crevices of your heart to unearth anything that is trauma related and holding you back from achieving your best self and living your best life. More often than not what coincides the childhood domestication is the sexual abuse or assault that breaks down your self-worth and makes you feel devalued. You have to release the victim mentality and move into the warrior spirit that allows you to understand that what you went through is not ok by any means, but you do not have to carry it with you anymore. You use that experience to set boundaries, forgive in your heart the person that harmed you and more importantly yourself and move forward with your own power to be able to fully embrace your future with love.
How do you break codependent habits and behaviors that have existed within you for lifetimes possibly? Find support and the help of a mentor, counselor, therapist or friend. When you find yourself in a negative frame of mine, restructure your thoughts into something more positive. The more you catch the negative thought and restabilize them into positivity, it won’t be easy, and it will take time, but you can get there with repetition. Don’t feel like you have to be a workhorse and go go go 24/7. Allow yourself the time to take breaks, to get outside and to stop and smell the roses so to speak. Setting boundaries are going to be super important for you. Healthy boundaries can sound like…I will think about that and let you know, I don’t feel comfortable with that, Is there another option? Thank you for your opinion, but I need to do what feels right for me. I know that I said I would attend, but I am too tired and need to take care of myself. Can we talk about this when I have had time to calm down or process? I don’t feel comfortable with that, I don’t want to do that. I appreciate the offer, but I am going to stay in tonight. It is ok to say no, it is ok to flake, it is ok to put yourself and your needs first. It is ok to do what feels right for you. It is honestly ok! You have to understand that what you need comes first. You have to put your oxygen mask on first before you can help anyone else.
When you first start practicing independence, it is going to feel like you are being selfish. You do not have to overexplain anything, simply do what you need to for you and tell yourself that it is ok. Do not seek validation for your actions or words. Journal to find out what your true needs are, separate from others. Practice communicating with others. You may stumble and be nervous, but it is ok, just keep trying. Stand firm in your boundaries, this is the best way to take your power back, nurture yourself and show yourself and your inner child unconditional love. Release your attachment and surrender to the outcome of the situation. Whatever is meant to happen will and it will be either a blessing or a lesson. The more you stand in your power, the less your soul is domesticated in codependency. The more you can free yourself from the repetitive cycles, the more you heal your soul.
Domestication can happen in childhood but can also happen from multiple past life cycles that are presenting themselves to be acknowledged and released in this life. Past life regression, hypnosis, spiritual mentors/coaches, meditation and journaling can all help you dive deep into your subconscious to find the root of this cycle to let it go. For those who are empaths and spiritual beings, you have to remember that you can also feel the energy of the collective and that sometimes you are meant to transmute for the entire collective here on Earth. Keep a circle around you of souls you can rely on for support. Allow yourself the space and grace to get through this and know that you are not alone. Codependency is one of the strongest distortions within the collective and has a pull so strong that it is so difficult to release. You can do it and you are strong enough. It is not easy as I said before, but you wouldn’t be reading this if you couldn’t do it. You have the ability to get through anything. If this is something you need help with, I am here for you and so many other mentors are as well. Find what works for you and go at your own pace. The path to authentication is a long one but it is worth it in ever aspect. It is the path to your best life and the path to freedom. It brings your soul home an where your soul feels most at home is in love. Spirit has the vibration of love and so do you. You are spirit and spirit is you. You are love, the more you release your distortions, the more you realize there is not one single door that is closed to you. When you release codependency, you regain your worth and you open your heart. You are amazing in every way; you just have to believe it. I see you; I hear you; I honor you and I respect you.
-Lady Phoenix